W7: I'd tell you these Starbucks secrets, but then I'd have to kill you

Today I realized I was a Starbucks snob.

It was about 2 p.m., a.k.a time for my afternoon pick-me-up and I absentmindedly told my mom, "I need some Starbucks."

To which she replied, "Starbucks is not a normal, everyday coffee."

!!!

So I went, "Comeagainsaywhat?!"

I like to think my mother isn't crazy and I KNOW she knows how vital Starbucks is to everyday life -- she works at a Kroger and in the SBux there they even have a drink nicknamed after her (The Kathy: a grande non-fat misto with three pumps of hazlenut syrup).

I was dumbfounded. But then it hit me faster than a shot of white lightning*: I'm a certified Starbucks snob.

My metamorphosis was to be expected, I guess. My body is probably pumping more iced coffee with vanilla in my veins than oxygen and I'm practically counting down the days until the return of the Caramel Brulee Latte. I know everything on the menu and, more importantly, I know everything on the secret menu. And, okay. It's not really "secret" and it's not really a "menu" but if you want to be a Starbucks snob (or go undercover and pretend to be a Starbucks snob) then there are some under-the-radar secret recipe drinks you should know about. And also they're delicious.



Starbucks Snobbery 101: Drinks to Know

nope, not a time machine-- a french press!

1. French Press. Did you know that Starbucks offers any of their drip coffees as a french press? If you request it french pressed then your barista has to make it, even though he/she will be doing it with an inner roll of the eyes because the process is so annoying. But honestly, it's worth irking your green apron-ed pal because the coffee press squeezes the smoky flavor out of the espresso beans into a dark, rich concoction that is so smoothly textured and sophisticated you'll immediately feel your snobbery quotient double. I recommend trying this with the darker roasts -- Italian and French are my faves, but Caffe Verona is also popular.

2. Red Eye. Unfortunately, this isn't a nod to the movie and doesn't mean that Cillian Murphy comes with your drink order. A "red eye" sounds all scary and mysterious, but really it's just adding a shot of espresso to a normal cup of joe. I'm a fan of the red eye with good ol' mild brew Pike Place -- the espresso packs an extra punch and gives it a smoky, roasted taste. Deeeelicious with some steamed soy milk. Add another shot and it's a black eye. Three shots and you've got a green eye. And maybe a pending caffeine overdose.

3. Dirty Chai. Here's where I'll take a break from Starbucks obsession and give credit where it's due -- Donkey Coffee and Espresso has the best chai tea in the world, ever. The end. But, Starbucks does have a pretty tasty version of the good-for-you tea, and it's even better if you make it dirty (a.k.a add a shot of espresso). Chai tea, however, is kind of like football and Arrested Development -- you either like it or you don't. I love the stuff, especially when it's hot. It's warm, just barely spicy and, for some reason, the only word I can think of to describe the flavor of chai is "Christmas." Which doesn't really make sense, I know, because you can't taste Christmas. Just imagine how the Christmas smells would taste and that's chai. Adding the espresso makes it a bit sharper and more on the bitter side, so I usually suggest a dirty vanilla chai to keep the sugar lovers happy.

4. Zebra. Speaking of keeping sugar lovers happy, this drink is way beyond too sweet for me. A zebra is for those indecisive mocha loyalists. It's a combination of regular mocha and white mocha and the amount of pumps and shots are adjustable. There's really no other word for it than "sweet." The addition of the white chocolate tones down the pucker-faced bitterness of the regular stuff, but it's still a one-way street to tooth decay.

FACT: sample the strawberries n' creme and they will come.

5. Cap'n Frapp'n. If you discover one item from Starbucks' secret stash, it should be this one. The Crunch Berry Frapp. The Captain Crunch Frapp. The Cap'n Frapp'n (my personal moniker for Starbucks' best kept secret) -- it goes by many names, but it's always made the same. You take a strawberries n'creme Frappuccino (milk, strawberry juice, ice, a "cream"-base syrup and a few pumps of "classic" syrup sweetener all blended together) and add a pump or two of hazelnut (it can also be made with toffee nut). You don't want to add too much hazelnut because it's such a heavy flavor anyway-- I usually only put one or two pumps in any of my drinks, regardless of the size. The nutty smell just kind of takes over everything, but. for some reason, when blended with the strawberries n'creme it comes out tasting just. Like. Crunch. Berries. One of my favorite games to play during my shifts is Sample a Cap'n Frapp'n and Watch People's Faces as They Try to Figure Out What the Drink Reminds Them Of. It's usually kids who pinpoint it first, but I love seeing the realization settle over a customer's face. The likeness is uncanny, and also copyrighted, so we can't technically put it on the menu.

So, the next time you're at a Starbucks (I don't know when that will be, because apparently Starbucks isn't "normal, everyday coffee" for some people), go ahead and trade your boring vanilla latte for something fancier -- and feel free to give your barista an I'm-in-the-know wink. We won't judge. ---

*Disclaimer: a white lightning is basically shots of espresso with pumps of white mocha and sometimes vanilla. These can come in any shape and form and are ordered like "2,3 white lightning" which means two shots and three pumps of white mocha. Works magic if you need to wake up likerightnow.